Wrestling with God

         In Genesis 32, Jacob is on his way to meet his brother Esau and beg forgiveness for all the tricks that he pulled when they were younger; specifically, stealing the birth-right and the blessing of the first-born.  After sending everything that he had including his family on their way, Jacob stayed back and spent the night by himself.  During the night a “man” comes and wrestles with Jacob till dawn.  This man turns out to be God in flesh…whether this was an angel, God himself, or maybe Jesus (my choice) we can’t really know.  But this passage and story made me think about how I often wonder what God is going to do in my life over the next few years, maybe even 5-10.  I wonder this because I really would like to have an idea of what God plans for me so I can start now getting ready to do whatever it is he has for me in the future; as if I could get myself ready for God’s plans.

          We all are like this…we want to know what’s coming down the road so we can “prepare” and be ready.  Like Jacob, we wrestle with God seeking his blessing, seeking his name, seeking information that he may not want to give to us yet or at all.  This wrestling with God can prove to be painful because sometimes we won’t give in; like Jacob we won’t let go of our wants and sometimes our stubbornness hurts us like Jacob’s dislocated hip that God gave him in order to get him to release.  I constantly have to remind myself that God has me where I am for a reason.  God has me where I am right now for a purpose, for a plan, for a season of joy, for a season of growth, for a season of pain, for a season of learning…whatever this season may be for and however long this season is I must learn to be okay with the NOW; for the will of God has me here. 

          One of my biggest fears is…what if God was trying to tell me something and I missed it?  What if I missed his voice that was speaking to me about some new facet of his will and plan for me?  What if I didn’t hear him when he was trying to show me something?  Maybe I did miss something…in fact I probably have missed many things God has tried to tell me over the course of my life.  And it wasn’t because I wasn’t looking for a sign or word from God, maybe it was because I was holding on too tightly to what I was hoping to hear from him.  Maybe like Jacob I was holding on too tightly…holding on to MY vision of MY future that I wanted God to bless and give ME the “green light”.  Maybe it was my own stubbornness thinking that I knew better than God what was best for me, but how stupid of me to think that way.  How could I ever think that I; a flawed and arrogant (what a ironic combination isn’t it) human being, could ever know better than the God who made me, the God who loves me, and the God who redeemed me.  How could I ever assume such idiocy? 

Because I am broken…because I am just like my 2 year old son who thinks he can do this or that and gets mad at me when I try and help him.  I, Darrell Asche, am but a child who has no idea what is best, yet I constantly tell God to bless what I am doing instead of seeking what he is already blessing and joining in.  This is what we are called to do: “Seek God First!!”  

Seek God first…stop…listen…and his voice will be there whispering in the silence, “Follow me…don’t ask where we are going…just follow…Stay with me step for step…don’t get ahead and don’t lag behind…this isn’t about you…this is about my plans and my ways…Stay with me step for step and I will lead you to where I want you...For, I know the plans I have for you…to teach you…to prosper you…to use you for my glory…my plans are not your plans and my timing is not your timing…Stay with me step for step…I’ll catch you when you fall and love you despite your desire to run ahead of me and get lost…Stay with me…walk with me…talk with me…live with me…